worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
