headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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