the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
