I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
