hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sext me about skeletons
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
