Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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