I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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