I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
