DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
