Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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