tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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