Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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