just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
