Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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