I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
