Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
