my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
