my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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