i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
