Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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