My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
