I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
