the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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