New invention idea: vibrating tampons
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
