How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
