By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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