i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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