Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
