thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
