Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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