Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize