Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
