What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
