I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
