She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You're a waste of cheezeits
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize