Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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