watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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