I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
