So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
