you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Vodka?
Forever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
