Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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