we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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