So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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