Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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