but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
