I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
