She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
