i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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