You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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