Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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