I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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