You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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