I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
