I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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