when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
