i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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