so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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