The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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