I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize