I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
