she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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