woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
