I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
